It’s late and I’m hurting

The last few days have been hard.

I just want to have a baby.

I’ve unplugged from social media for the most part the last few weeks.

Every few days I torture myself and peek at my facebook and without fail there is an announcement… a squishy baby photo…

Two back to back pregnancies. Lost.

Now I’ve had four cycles, testing for ovulation, tracking cervical mucus, cervical position… I’ve read the books, I’ve peed on sticks – every brand, every color, blinking faces, static smileys… one line darker than the other…

Month after month brings blood, blood brings the tears, sometimes I stand under the shower and turn it from hot to cold… it’s so shocking that for the quickest instant I feel absolutely nothing. Or maybe I feel everything, I guess I’m not sure.

It’s better than other alternatives. Sometimes I just want to be with my babies. But they weren’t really babies to me so it’s this weird juxtaposition of having both empty and heavy arms.

So I eat. And get my eyelashes done. I dye my eyebrows. I wash my face four times a day. I eat some more. I work. I look in the mirror and think ‘bitch has let herself go….’

Everything just feels like a distraction.

We’re coming up on a year since I found out I was pregnant for the first time. I can’t quantify what’s happened in that year.

I went to New York. I went to Chicago.

I think I found a friend who is as weird as I am.

I ran (metaphorically) from one thing to the other. Now there is no travel on the horizon so I’m stuck wondering if this month will be our month.

Father’s Day came and went. It felt empty. We should have had a baby.

I so badly want to parent with him.

If you’ve never met Matt you’re losing out for so many reasons. I wish I could put little pieces of him in an envelope and mail him to you so you could feel him for just a moment.

He is literally the most amazing, cool, real, raw, flawed person you could ever know. Everybody has the best partner – I would be willing to go toe to toe with pretty much anyone. Our kids will definitely have the coolest dad.

Why can’t I give that to him?

After all he has done for me.

I haven’t been to the closet for so long. It’s like pieces of me are giving up. Maybe it’s self-preservation at this point.

I felt like I needed this. Everything is coming out wrong. Everything feels wrong. Because everything is.






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