1:30 a.m. Ramblings…

It always just starts as me not feeling good.

Then it’s 11:00 p.m. – I’m working on a project for work. It’s 12:00 a.m. and I’m telling myself I should get in bed.

I don’t even necessarily not feel ‘good’ anymore. I just feel lost.

I’ve generally felt lost for a few months now. Like I’m not quite where I am supposed to be.

Ever.

Like I’m always just a few minutes too early or a few minutes too late.

I walk into a room and even if it’s in my own house it’s like the air is just a little thick.

Like something big just happened and I missed it.

Like someone I love just left the room, or is still there… lingering. I just can’t see them.

Then it’s 1:00 a.m. and I feel this magnetic pull to come here and spill my guts.

Because the reality is if you called me at 10:00 a.m. I would probably be either cheery and be ‘fine’ or be stressed with work.

I would never tell you how I really feel.

Not because I want to be inauthentic – sometimes I just don’t know what to do with what I’m feeling so why ask you to try to get it.

Plus the usual dollar store dribble about ‘being here for me’ is just something we say to fill a void.

If you wanted to be here – you would.

It’s 2:00 a.m. and I feel like seeking something.

An answer.

I get this sudden urge to empty all of my cupboards and scrub them clean.

Like if my fucking cupboards are clean my brain won’t feel so messy.

I desperately want to blare my music. I need to blast out the sound of your heart beat.

The melody of my womb and the thump thump thump of your small heart.

It plays over and over and over again. Like a carousel I can’t get off.

I haven’t gone to the closet for some time now. I haven’t smelled the shampoo and lotions.

In a way they have lost their comfort. They don’t feel soft and warm any more. They feel cold. My arms just feel heavy and empty after I give in.

It’s 2:30 a.m. and now I’m deciding whether or not I take a few Vistaril to facilitate some sleep.

I have to be up in a few hours to do it all over again.

And I will.

Because it’s what I have to do.

MW

2 thoughts on “1:30 a.m. Ramblings…

  1. Dear Amanda-fellow Meniere’s Warrior. You are a beautiful writer. Thank you having the courage to put your pain into words and share it with others. I too have experienced the gut-wrenching loss of miscarriage. There is nothing wrong with your emotions. When you are trying to get pregnant and overcome the loss of miscarriage(s) it consumes you and it can be such a long, emotional process. Then you see unmarried women who don’t even want to get pregnant easily get pregnant, or terrible abusive or neglectful mothers it just makes your pain worse. It took me 2 1/2 years to get pregnant and then I had a miscarriage but I finally was able to have two children. That was over 14 years ago but I remember every emotion and monthly disappointment when my period started. Just a few words from my experiences:

    1) make sure you find/see a very good reproductive endocrinologist. They are MUCH better and proactive than a regular OB/GYN or family doc at getting you to a successful pregnancy. They have many more tools and knowledge to help you and your husband!

    2) Be more patient than you ever thought you could be and be kind to yourself. Nurture yourself. GET TO BED AND GET TO SLEEP! No good, positive thoughts come after around 9:00 pm. Definitely not the hours you’re still up thinking especially if you are grieving from a loss. Get a massage. Find activities you enjoy and do them: walking, swimming, painting, see a movie with friends etc. Your writing is probably your best refuge but then turn off the computer and give yourself permission to relax for the night and sleep after you write for a while.

    3) Love and communicate with your husband and don’t forget he grieves too and may feel really helpless about how to help and comfort you – but he truly does care!

    You WILL make it through these times and grow to be even more empathetic of others’ pain and loss in the process of your healing and search for motherhood – however that comes about. Big hugs to you! Keep writing.

    Mary (fellow meniere’s warrior)

    >

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