3 a.m.

It’s 3 a.m. – the brain fog is so thick I don’t remember who told me “nothing good happens at 3 a.m.”… “3 a.m. it is the witching hour”.

Maybe it was my RA who invited me into her room and then asked about my drug problem. lol… such a random memory – but I was the farthest thing from a drug addict. I was the sober one. I was the sober cab. Packing 12 people into my friend Tim’s car and barely making it up the hill to campus at MSU-Mankato. I remember crushing on a guy and this girl hooked up with him and I was driving them back from a party and she was wasted and I was slamming on the breaks and her head was bouncing off the head rest. 

We all giggled when she fell out of the car and she mumbled something about the bumpy ride and then yorked in the parking lot. 

I was so independent. On my first or second night there I met my best friend Tim – we shared secrets, clothes, and my bed… not how you’re thinking. He wasn’t interested in me like that. He got me through that first year. He watched me fall in love with Matt. 

The shit you think about at 3 a.m.

My first night at UW- River Falls alone, Matt left and I was sobbing, watching reality t.v. and this girl asked me to go out for a cigarette… I called Matt and asked what to do…

That same girl (her roommate, and two other girls who lived a door & two doors down) stood up for me at my wedding months ago. 

Ironically two of those girls grew up near Mankato where I started my 2nd act… my life after high school. 

I was running from something… I ran to Mankato and sowed my wild oats. I had so much fun. I learned so many lessons. I wasn’t as crippled by my disease as I am today. I was fearless. I had a backbone. I drew lines, hard lines. I said no. I didn’t feel guilty about what felt like running away from home and completely reinventing myself. 

I could be whoever I wanted to be. I met my husband there. I kissed people. I danced. 

The memories that flood your mind at 3 a.m.

I never would have guessed I would be where I am in my life today. 

I feel guilty for just about everything now. I feel responsible for things I shouldn’t have to feel responsible for. I am the queen of cleaning up other people’s messes. 

I sowed my oats. 

We all have metaphorical trash in our backyard. 

I just don’t like having to pick up yours. 

MW