Morning reflections…

I wake up thankful.

The room isn’t spinning. I can stand up. Get dressed. Feed the animals.

I reflect on the last few months. So many changes. I look to the future. So many changes there too.

 

I try to remind myself to stay in this moment. I try to meditate but I can’t sit still.

I am at the point in my meditation practice where you practice simply being. Not thinking. Just focusing on the in and out of your breath.

It’s too quiet.

It’s too loud.

I have too many thoughts this morning. I woke up feeling well. I don’t allow myself to relish in that. I have to act. To move. I’m free today. Where to start? I just practice simply being.

‘The art of doing nothing.’

Isn’t that the majority of my life?

I also practice not transforming emotions. I feel anger bubbling up to the surface. I allow myself to taste it, let it fill me up. I am patient. Assessing it’s purpose in this very moment.

My inner voice is screaming, CAN’T I JUST BE FUCKING NORMAL? Why can’t I just wake up in the morning and have no need to practice ‘being’, why can’t I just wake up and have a normal life?

I am always comparing. It happens daily, sometimes it consumes me.

 

It’s a brutal form of self-punishment to compare yourself to your family members, your friends, but it happens and it scratches until my skin feels raw and my eyes are puffy. Life goes on. For me it seems to stay in stasis. For others it moves forward.

Everything looks clear in hindsight
If you can adjust to the twilight
Trying to live enough life to last a lifetime
Roll with the ride like I’m supposed to survive
How you know that you alive?
If you ain’t fighting for a mouthful of future?
This ain’t business as usual, check the tackle
Box full of beautiful, look like shrapnel
Break the cycle and the old mistakes
But the boat obeys the waves
And then the little fish spoke as it broke away
It said, “Know limits, but know with a ‘K'”
Yesterday’s catch will cook tomorrow
Right now I gotta do what I gotta
Took a time out from the human drama
Put my line in the water now who wanna holler?

-Atmosphere

MW

 

 

 

 

 

 

2 thoughts on “Morning reflections…

  1. Dear MW, I have written to you awile ago. I’ve had Meniere’s for years and totally know your frustrations. I have lived in that place many times, feeling angry, alone, resentful, hopeless. I’m a frequent flyer there :-). I have learned that a low salt diet is critical to reduce episodes of vertigo. That means no restaurant foods, no canned foods, no caffeine, no pizza, no diet soda/nutra sweet. This is hard to stick to, believe me, and I love food (!) but it makes a big difference if you can consistently change your diet and do your own cooking with fresh ingredients. In the long run you’ll be better off anyway. In time your vertigo will ease up I predict and you’ll slowly be able to introduce some more “normal” foods back into your diet. I can tell very quickly if a vertigo attack is coming and I immediately take antivert and try to go to bed to sleep it off but often get so sick there’s nothing left to throw up and I lay in a ball by the toilet in sweat, then in chills. If it happens at work I lay under my desk with a sweater over my eyes to block the light and hope it passes. I have scouted out a locker room with a toilet and keep a rug in a locker so I can lay on the floor near the restroom if I have to throw up. Yes it sucks and I know nobody else with Meniere’s and have felt so alone with my suffering but like you I have a wonderful husband who loves and supports me. I have lost most of my hearing as a result so having a good audiologist – I spend money for the best hearing aids which is very important. Hang in there and keep writing down your feelings. You are a good writer and I enjoy reading your poetry. You are not alone! I hope you are able to find peace, happiness, and acceptance at times. I know it is a challenge and some days are just going to be down days spent in bed but you have a long life ahead of you to,fill up with joy, love, family, and friends! Find an exercise you like and do it often for stress management and health. I love running and swimming. Here’s a (((hug))) to you!
    Mary S

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