Morning reflections…

I wake up thankful.

The room isn’t spinning. I can stand up. Get dressed. Feed the animals.

I reflect on the last few months. So many changes. I look to the future. So many changes there too.

 

I try to remind myself to stay in this moment. I try to meditate but I can’t sit still.

I am at the point in my meditation practice where you practice simply being. Not thinking. Just focusing on the in and out of your breath.

It’s too quiet.

It’s too loud.

I have too many thoughts this morning. I woke up feeling well. I don’t allow myself to relish in that. I have to act. To move. I’m free today. Where to start? I just practice simply being.

‘The art of doing nothing.’

Isn’t that the majority of my life?

I also practice not transforming emotions. I feel anger bubbling up to the surface. I allow myself to taste it, let it fill me up. I am patient. Assessing it’s purpose in this very moment.

My inner voice is screaming, CAN’T I JUST BE FUCKING NORMAL? Why can’t I just wake up in the morning and have no need to practice ‘being’, why can’t I just wake up and have a normal life?

I am always comparing. It happens daily, sometimes it consumes me.

 

It’s a brutal form of self-punishment to compare yourself to your family members, your friends, but it happens and it scratches until my skin feels raw and my eyes are puffy. Life goes on. For me it seems to stay in stasis. For others it moves forward.

Everything looks clear in hindsight
If you can adjust to the twilight
Trying to live enough life to last a lifetime
Roll with the ride like I’m supposed to survive
How you know that you alive?
If you ain’t fighting for a mouthful of future?
This ain’t business as usual, check the tackle
Box full of beautiful, look like shrapnel
Break the cycle and the old mistakes
But the boat obeys the waves
And then the little fish spoke as it broke away
It said, “Know limits, but know with a ‘K'”
Yesterday’s catch will cook tomorrow
Right now I gotta do what I gotta
Took a time out from the human drama
Put my line in the water now who wanna holler?

-Atmosphere

MW

 

 

 

 

 

 

Pretty little things…

I got married! I went on a honeymoon. My new name is Quade. Good luck finding any Q tchotchkes!

I got a new dissertation committee. I quit taking hormonal birth control! So many changes. So. Many. Emotions.

It’s been a while since I’ve been here. Life gets weird sometimes. This was a good weird. Wedding weird. Seeing everyone come together and pull off something so magical is pretty darn cool. There were some bumps along the road – the bumps that remind us we are so damn human.

We did it. I married a man whose only wish is to spend more time with me. I married a man whose only wish is to chill on the couch and play video games and one day be a dad to human children and I can’t freaking wait for that day.

I didn’t feel like writing for so long – I had so much to say I didn’t know how to sit down and do it.

Right before the wedding I was in a dark place. My dissertation was going nowhere, at the speed of light. Three quarters in and I felt like I was drowning… I didn’t even have a topic. I had draft upon draft to my program chair saying I was done with the program. I would be ABD (all but dissertation).

I held on. I got married. I went on the most magical honeymoon. Matt and I finally had time to let our souls find each other again and it’s like we somehow fell in love all over again in Alaska. We hiked, we soaked in hot springs, we held hands on the streets of Fairbanks and without saying a word, knew this place was going to steal a piece of us.

We got back and I still couldn’t write. I kept a journal in Alaska and wrote about what we did each day. It felt nice. It wasn’t the same as being here. Writing to all of you, some of you strangers, some of you not (hi mom!), is so cathartic for me.

This place.

Atmosphere released another albumĀ Fishing Blues and as always, I found the inspiration to write.

The last two mornings I woke up dizzy. The old monster reared it’s ugly head and I’m immediately back to that place of anger.

The anger comes so suddenly.

It’s like acid.

I don’t want to be me.

I want to peel my skin off.

I question everything.

My sanity, my ability to function… can I be a good mother? Can I be a good wife? Am a good person/friend/daughter/relative? Can I finish this dissertation? Can I be a Doctor? Seriously though, am I going fucking crazy?

A year ago I would have reached for my Valium. Today I only do so when I am unable to handle the symptoms. I have had to learn to surrender to it. Surrender to the anxiety. Surrender to the sadness. Surrender to the darkness. I used to fight it. Sometimes I still do.

The only reason I can surrender is because I have things holding me here. Body & soul.

I am someone’s wife. I am someone’s daughter. I am someone’s Godmother. The rubber band bounces back and I wake up a changed person. Even if it’s only for a day, a week, if I am completely lucky, a month.

Thanks Slug, for helping me find my voice again.

MW