i am on my fourth day of an attack.
let me try to illustrate how this feels. imagine being the most tired you have ever been. maybe it’s like a hangover… i have no perspective on that.
i needed to go pee. bad. i looked at the clock, it was 9:34 this morning. i told myself i would give myself five minutes to get the energy to go to the bathroom. when i woke up from zoning out i looked at the clock and it was 9:57. i had almost wet myself.
when i stand my heart pounds. i can hear it in my ears. sitting here writing this is taking everything i have.
i don’t wish this on anyone. i would like for my loved ones to experience my life for just a day. not even necessarily the vertigo – but the days after the attack. those are almost worse.
the days when your legs feel like they weigh 100 pounds each. you decide shuffling your feet is easier than picking them up to walk. stairs… forget it. sometimes i have to use my hands to crawl up the stairs. not because of the dizziness (although that too, has happened), but because i am so damn tired i just can’t do it.
it’s fatigue. fatigue that never goes away. sleeping 12 hours makes no difference. fresh air makes no difference. sunshine makes no difference. i just have to survive it. live it.
all the crippity crap my old psychologist used to tell me.
i am a useless blob of a human. organs, skin, hair… my brain in mush. my hands only work because i need to get this blog done. i need you to read it. i need you to try to imagine it. i need you to try and understand it.
i need it because on days like these living doesn’t make sense. i have nothing but my nose out of the water. it’s total darkness.
from this i will prevail. like the proverbial phoenix, i will rise from the ashes of this attack. i will persevere because i have to.
i don’t have the luxury of giving up. throwing up my hands.
i refuse to let my legacy be taking the easy way out.
death is easy.
it’s living that is hard.
i rarely back down from a challenge.
i found a meme I really liked the other day:
fate whispers to the warrior, “you cannot withstand the storm”
and the warrior whispers back, “i am the storm’