Collection of thoughts

i am on my fourth day of an attack.

let me try to illustrate how this feels. imagine being the most tired you have ever been. maybe it’s like a hangover… i have no perspective on that.

i needed to go pee. bad. i looked at the clock, it was 9:34 this morning. i told myself i would give myself five minutes to get the energy to go to the bathroom. when i woke up from zoning out i looked at the clock and it was 9:57. i had almost wet myself.

when i stand my heart pounds. i can hear it in my ears. sitting here writing this is taking everything i have.

i don’t wish this on anyone. i would like for my loved ones to experience my life for just a day. not even necessarily the vertigo – but the days after the attack. those are almost worse.

the days when your legs feel like they weigh 100 pounds each. you decide shuffling your feet is easier than picking them up to walk. stairs… forget it. sometimes i have to use my hands to crawl up the stairs. not because of the dizziness (although that too, has happened), but because i am so damn tired i just can’t do it.

it’s fatigue. fatigue that never goes away. sleeping 12 hours makes no difference. fresh air makes no difference. sunshine makes no difference. i just have to survive it. live it.

breathe.

process.

all the crippity crap my old psychologist used to tell me.

i am a useless blob of a human. organs, skin, hair… my brain in mush. my hands only work because i need to get this blog done. i need you to read it. i need you to try to imagine it. i need you to try and understand it.

i need it because on days like these living doesn’t make sense. i have nothing but my nose out of the water. it’s total darkness.

from this i will prevail. like the proverbial phoenix, i will rise from the ashes of this attack. i will persevere because i have to.

i don’t have the luxury of giving up. throwing up my hands.

i refuse to let my legacy be taking the easy way out.

death is easy.

it’s living that is hard.

i rarely back down from a challenge.

i found a meme I really liked the other day:

fate whispers to the warrior, “you cannot withstand the storm”

and the warrior whispers back, “i am the storm’

mw

2 thoughts on “Collection of thoughts

  1. YES. This is exactly what I’m going through right now, and I’m glad that there’s someone who understands — though I wish you didn’t have to go through this, like you, I wouldn’t watch this on anyone. When binge-watching Youtube or Netflix and not really paying attention, simply wanting a distraction, is my LIFE, and others don’t understand, it feels horrible. We can get through this. We WILL get through the challenge of life. Together. I’m here for you, know that. Even though I just posted my first comment today, I feel like I’ve known you forever. A shared… ailment, if you will… creates some sort of bond, I think. And I’m glad for it.

    I’m here for you, know that, no matter what.

    -Liza

  2. Hi Meniere’s Warrior, I have only read a small part of your site and will read more but just wanted to say I understand what you are going through because I have had Meniere’s Disease for many years. I am so sorry you have had such a difficult time. Let me just offer you some hope. For years I would have periodic terrible vertigo attacks where I would literally be on the floor of the bathroom by the toilet, throwing up until nothing, not even bile was left. I would sweat profusely and then have shivering chills and finally be so exhaused I would eventually fall asleep (thank goodness). Then I’d be completely lethargic and knocked out on antivert and the hangover for a few days afterwards. Over the years I found that my diet was critical in controlling my vertigo attacks, along with a daily diuretic and valium and antivert as needed. A VERY low sodium diet is an absolute necessity. No processed or restaurant foods. No pizza, burgers, fries, canned soups, frozen dinners, none of any processed foods. Only fresh veggies, friuts, grains, eggs, low sodium dairy, and very cautious with meats. Chicken and lunchmeats are salty so I have to be very diligent reading labels and cooking my own foods. No caffeine or nutrasweet. Meniere’s has totally changed how I eat but icontrolling my diet has made all the difference with controlling the vertigo attacks. Chaning to such a “healthy” diet can be a real challenge but it is worth it! I go many months now without vertigo and if I do have dizziness, I can usually hit the antivert right away and keep a full-on attack at bay. The biggest impact now is a rather significant hearing loss in both ears as a result of the disease. I wear hearing aids. Please do not feel hopeless though. Stress only seems to make symtoms worsr. I know-a catch-22.. I live a wonderful, happy life with my husband and daughters. I work, am an avid runner and lift weights. I make healthy eating a top priority, which we should all be doing anyway. I hope some of my experience may prove of value to you. Good luck and thank you for sharing your experiences with us.

    Mary S.

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