Baby Blues

This blogs has several drafts.

It’s a difficult subject to talk about.

Every time I leave the house I see a pregnant woman.

It’s stings in a way. Not necessarily out of envy, but fear.

Fear about becoming a mother.

Not fear about my capacity to love, but fear about my physical ability to be pregnant and raise a child.

I mean really, there are days when I am unable to care for myself properly.

You can’t just “be sick” as a parent. I hardly remember my mom being sick as a kid. I am sure it happened but I don’t remember it. She and I were probably sick at the same time and she still cared for me. Was still tender. Able. Strong. She never crumbled onto the floor in a mess of snot, clutching… grasping to anything she could find to stop the world from spinning.

Can I really be a mother?

First step is getting off my medications. Not only my benzo, but my diuretic. The purpose of the diuretic is given because it assists in getting rid of excess fluid in the body. It keeps some of my symptoms at bay.

Second step is getting pregnancy. Sounds fun right? Terrifying for me. Morning sickness… potential blood pressure issues when my diuretic has suppressed my blood pressure for so long. Not being able to take my benzo.

Third step is being a mother. My disease won’t go away because I have a child to care for. What if I can’t physically do it?

There are days when I am so fatigued I can’t even speak accurately. There are days when the anxiety and depression are so heavy I can’t see through the darkness.

When I have a child I can’t have excuses. I can’t not wake up in the middle of the night. I can’t forget to feed, bathe, nurture them.

I can’t be zonked out on narcotics.

Again, it’s not about capacity, it’s about physical ability.

I am going to push publish on this blog. I’ve been working on it for months. Because it’s hard. It’s painful. It’s part of my reality. It’s a jagged reminder of how my life is different. How I can’t just make a knee jerk decision. Everything must be plotted out. Everything needs to be planned.

MW

5 thoughts on “Baby Blues

  1. Thank you so much. You put things into words I never could express, especially because of my mother’s words that she simply “couldn’t see me as a mother” when I’ve been longing to be a mother all of my life. Now, I don’t even have a boyfriend yet, much less am married and trying to get pregnant, but nonetheless, the comments sting.

    I completely understand your pain, though no one’s journey is the same, and I wish I had an answer for you. Unfortunately, I’m just going along on this journey, same as you, but I’m glad to know you’re here, posting these articles. This helped me immensely, just to know there was someone out there struggling in a similar manner to the way I am.

    And because the disease is ‘invisible’, people sometimes just laugh at me. I’m sure any Meniere’s sufferer can identify with that, too.

    I’m here for you if you need me, and I’m glad to know that, even just posting articles on WordPress, you’re here for me. 🙂

    Thank you, MW, so much.

    -Liza C

    1. Liza,
      I am glad my postings bring some comfort to you.
      This was extremely difficult to share.
      I am always here for you – even though we are in this nebulous virtual world. ((hugs))
      MW

      1. Thank you so much, Amanda. 🙂 ((hugs)) back to you. 🙂

        Your blog inspired me to start my own, even if just for my own therapy. Take a look if you want, don’t if you don’t, either is fine. It’s called “Music and Meniere’s” at: musicandmenieres.wordpress.com

        🙂

  2. Ladies, I have had Meniere’s for years and through two successful pregnancies. I have two beautiful daughters, both perfectly healthy. I stayed on my diuretic and used antivert and valium when necessary for meniere’s symptoms during my pregnancies. I have a very wonderful, supportive husband who has taken on way more than his share numerous times when I was having vertigo attacks. You are right that it has been a real challenge sometime, but being a parent will have challenges regardless of having meniere’s. In time I have been able to largely control my symptoms through a low sodium diet and with time, the attacks have lessened as well as the severity. I never drive or do things that could be dangerous if I’m having symptoms. I make rest, stress management, and a good diet a high priority for the sake of my health and being there for my family. Hang in there. Things will get better and more bearable! I wish you both the best.

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