Collective

At this moment, there is probably a few people poking around inside my skull.

It is surgery day and whether I was ready or not, it is happening.

This is me, pleading with you to never give up – take calculated risks.  Hell, I don’t know what is going to happen to me when I wake up.  I don’t know what tomorrow looks like.  I don’t know the outcome.

Matt, as our collective hands are sweaty and stomach in knots – I want you to know that I love you.  I fiercely love you.  No matter what happens today, or tomorrow, or the day after I know there will always be one constant thing.  Our love.  The safety we have created.  The love we have fostered.  It’s steadfast.  I can’t wait to see your face when I open my eyes for the first time.

MW

 

I’ll follow you anywhere…

I talk a lot about Matt.

I think about him all the time.

It’s so simple and so complex.  We are knit from the same cloth.  We are each others addictions, and each others recovery.  We believe in each other.  Not in some corny Lifetime movie way.  The way that only a few of us are lucky enough to experience.

We shoulder the weight of each other burdens, neither of carry our own cross.

We would follow each other anywhere.  Not just geographically.

We inspire each other.  He doesn’t make me want to be a better person, he inspires me to be myself.

He has chosen to stick around in this turned-up, twisted, crazy, silly thing I call life.

MW

Where to start…

I know this song is ridiculously trendy right now – but what the hell.  It’s a current theme song.

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Wake Me Up

-Avicii

Feeling my way through the darkness
Guided by a beating heart
I can’t tell where the journey will end
But I know where to start

They tell me I’m too young to understand
They say I’m caught up in a dream
Life will pass me by if I don’t open up my eyes
Well that’s fine by me

So wake me up when it’s all over
When I’m wiser and I’m older
All this time I was finding myself
And I didn’t know I was lost

So wake me up when it’s all over
When I’m wiser and I’m older
All this time I was finding myself
And I didn’t know I was lost

I tried carrying the weight of the world
But I only have two hands
I hope I get the chance to travel the world
But I don’t have any plans

Wish that I could stay forever this young
Not afraid to close my eyes
Life’s a game made for everyone
And love is the prize

So wake me up when it’s all over
When I’m wiser and I’m older
All this time I was finding myself
And I didn’t know I was lost

So wake me up when it’s all over
When I’m wiser and I’m older
All this time I was finding myself
And I didn’t know I was lost

I didn’t know I was lost
I didn’t know I was lost
I didn’t know I was lost
I didn’t know
I didn’t know
I didn’t know

Angelface

There’s a thin line between gossip and gospel
And there’s a house over there near Wicker Park
Where I found out smart was afraid of the dark
Had to break a heart just to help me heal up
Tie a knot in the stomach just to help me seal up
Make sure the demons stay beneath the core
Pray for you and yours and whoever you believe in more
Look around you there’s angels amongst us
(Look around you there’s angels amongst us)
Sittin’ in the rain at some sidewalk cafe
Half of her wet cigarette in the ash tray
She’s tryin’ to find a lost soul to save
And I’m a lost soul trying to find a road that’s paved
Keep faith in my suitcase, pack my beliefs
Angels exist, I’ve even seen some sleep

-Atmosphere

Two weeks…

Two weeks until the big day.

I am feeling particularly testy.  Matt and I had it out a few nights ago.  He needs me to be honest and stop apologizing, I need him to cut me a break.  I share these personal things with you not because I am always this open (although usually I am).  I share them because I am sure there are other warriors out there who find themselves taking it out on their loved ones.

I expect a lot of Matt.  I expect him to just get it.  To get the anger.  The anxiety.  The fear.  I expect him to always be patient, never call me out on my shit.  To treat me like a queen, but a princess at the same time.  I expect him to accept my selfishness, to love me despite all of these ugly things.  I expect him to be my emotional punching bag.  I expect him to let me blame the mundane annoyances on him and for him to just take it.

This is the honest truth ya’ll.  This is how I feel sometimes.  I completely understand these expectations are SUPER unfair and I am working so hard to grow from them.  I have doing some research into Buddhism, and what I love about it is it never asks us to manipulate or change our feelings.  Simply understand they are there.

I always feel like an asshole.  That’s the long and short of it.  The best part about Matt is I can tell him these things.  Tell him my ridiculous expectations and he doesn’t look at me like I am the asshole I always feel I am.

The best part about the whole thing, is he DOES GET IT!  More than most in my life.  He gets it.

Cheers to those in our lives who get it!

 

Ren Fest, Viking Queens, Fun!

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I try to take breaks from life when I can.  Last weekend we went to the Renaissance Festival in Shakopee, MN.  It was hot as hell, and while it was a ton of stimulation, I had a great time.  Jan and I (Matt’s mom) are on the left, Matt and I in the middle… trying to eat each other, and then myself, trying my best to be a Viking princess.  I think Katheryn Winnick does it better in Vikings – but I still had fun.