Month: May 2014

Exceptions

There are always exceptions to every rule.

The human condition is no different.

Those with chronic illnesses make every attempt to not ask for exceptions. So why is it that those without chronic illness always ask for the exceptions?

If I asked those around me to not do things that irritated my Meniere’s I would be better off staying home in a dark room alone.

This is certainly coming off like I am complaining about something minor that I should let go of. And I will. But it begs the question why I try so hard to not let my Meniere’s affect others when others have no problem asking for exceptions?

Leap

August 4th. 

I have decided to go back under the knife. 

The decision was not made with haste. There was a lot of reflection, a lot of tears, a lot of discussions and weighing of options. But I have decided to move forward with the endolymphatic revision on my right ear. The hope is that there is a lot of scar tissue present wrecking havoc on my inner ear causing these severe symptoms. 

Every day I feel different about it. Today I feel good about my decision. Tomorrow I may question it.

Today the warrior won out.

I am working on being positive. Trying to quiet the anger. It’s difficult. I have taught myself to question, assume the worst. I can’t let myself assume that surgery is going to be terrible. Or it will be. I have to tell myself that this is my option today. It will be my option tomorrow. I have Meniere’s Disease. I always will. Just typing those words is a struggle. I feel the anger licking at my insides. This surgery is my option right now. I will take it. My anger be damned. My fear be damned. 

I have taken my lumps. Paid my dues. I am ready to begin the path to acknowledging that this thing is inside of me and always will be. The only way to escape it is death. That can’t be my legacy. I have to keep telling myself that knowing I have Meniere’s Disease and always will is not giving up. It does not mean I have to stop fighting. It just means I have to stop fighting myself. I have to somehow learn to define my Meniere’s Disease, not let it define me.

Whether this surgery helps or not. The warrior inside of me has to turn outward. I have believed (and on my bad days still do) that accepting Meniere’s Disease into my life meant to stop fighting. What I haven’t realized is that I stopped fighting the Meniere’s Disease a long time ago. I turned the knife on myself and have been cutting away at who I am for a long time. I have chipped away at myself and sit in this chair, exposed and raw. All this fighting and I still have Meniere’s Disease. I have carved myself down to nothing and I still have this disease. It’s time that I turn the sword. 

Today I believe in all of what I say. In 20 minutes I may not feel this strong. I may crumble. It’s the nature of this disease, the nature of a chronic illness. But the important thing is that today I woke up. In this moment I am clear headed. 

Being Broke

I am of the generation that was told, “If you go to college you will get a good job.”

My version of the “American Dream” is bullshit folks.  Of course no one plans to have a chronic illness.  No one plans to be broke.

We all have to make choices.  We all want to put up the facade that all is well.

No one wants to be on welfare.  There are people in my family who have the opinion that everyone who is on welfare is lazy or taking advantage somehow.  Well, my dear family, I am the face of welfare.  Who knew I would have to get health insurance from the state?  Who knew I would need to ask for help?  Who knew NPO’s would treat you like a criminal when you beg for money?

Our pockets aren’t lined with cash but they are lined with clarity.  Our eyes are wide open to how things work.