The people who love us Meniereans tell us to be ourselves. “You can always be your true self around me.” “You don’t have to hide anything from me”. At first is seems very sweet and endearing and then suddenly it turns in to a load of crap. While our loved ones want us to be honest about how we are feeling – when you have had Meniere’s Disease for eight years – they are sick of hearing you bitch about it. We all may as well be honest. They perceive us as having a perpetual pity party and think, why the hell can’t you just accept it already? Consciously they read this and probably feel appalled or angry by what I am writing. Sure, consciously they want us to be mad when we are mad, be sad when we are sad, be happy when we are happy. The problem is, unconsciously they are really thinking “Quit whining” “Quit ruining every day with your pissy attitude”. If I was able, I would put my Meniere’s Disease and my ‘true’ emotions about it in a pretty gift box, wrap it up with some environmentally friendly ribbon and send it on down the river. But unfortunately for everyone in my life I can’t do that.
No one understands the juxtaposition between words and actions. The words coming out of your mouth say to always be myself and never fake being happy around you. But when I am in a pissy mood and not faking it, you avoiding me or telling me I am having a pity party does not compute. 2 + 2 does not = 5 right? Didn’t think so. This goes back to my post about my monster. My loved ones look it dead in the face and they fear it. They say they don’t. Can I blame them? No. I still have a hard time admitting that the face of my monster is my own… staring back at me. People don’t understand that I fake it for their sake. Not for my own. It’s easier to be pissed off and angry. Being happy takes effort. I don’t do it for myself… I do it for all of you. Maybe I should but I am not ready yet.
The reason they say they don’t fear my monster is because it is my own face they see. Their subconscious fears it for the same reason. The face is mine. Their subconscious SCREAMS at them to fear it because it understands that I can’t separate my monster from myself. But their conscious pushes them to believe I can. Because they love me. Believe in me.
Is this what enlightenment means? Being able to understand the things inside of yourself, so beautiful and so ugly at the same time. Acknowledging your loneliness and reasoning with it. Breathing in the good and expelling the bad. Who knows? I am the bane of my own existence. Are we all? Are we all our own best friend and worst enemy?
Is it dangerous that I give my disease a voice? Is it dangerous that I let it live here, in my blog, through my words? Is it helping anyone? I started this blog to talk about how it felt to have Meniere’s Disease and maybe I have just scared people away. In my moments of clarity I wonder what the purpose of this all is. In my misery I feel confident. That all of you feel this way too and are comforted by my bitter ramblings.