Irritated today…

It’s one of those days when you wake up on the wrong side of the bed (or chair, for me). 

It’s a stomping your feet, slamming cupboards, seething rager today. Don’t know why. Don’t really care. Just letting myself experience it. Moving with the anger. Letting it move through my veins to the ends of my fingertips and end of my toes. 

This winter has been a real bitch. I am sick of going to bed feeling like I am on a rollercoaster and waking up in the morning feeling the same way. There is no relief. I squirm in my chair. My home no longer feels like a home, like a prison. I could get up out of this chair, put on my boots, put on my jacket, grab my keys, exit the door, get in my car and drive, drive until my vision is blurry, until I run out of gas. Oh wait, I can’t do those things without help. I can’t go and get a half gallon of milk without Matt taking me. 

Some people think it’s the big things that Meniere’s Disease steals from your life that makes us upset. It isn’t. Sure traveling is nearly impossible, finding one’s dream job in a different state or country is a long shot, and having children seems like a luxury. It’s not being able to go to the grocery store, it’s not being able to sweep the floor when it needs to be done, it’s not being able to eat Progresso chicken noodle soup last night because the constant head movement to make sure you don’t burn yourself with hot soup makes the room spin! It’s not being able to lay in bed. 

It’s standing in the middle of a crowded room and inside screaming your bloody head off but on the outside putting on the best fake smile you can pull out of your pocket. 

It’s one of those days. One of those days you want to tell being positive to shove it and live a day in my shoes and then talk to me about being positive. 

Here is to hoping that tomorrow I feel calm – and positive again. 

xoxo,

the angry warrior

3 thoughts on “Irritated today…

  1. Hey Buddy ,I feel it also today and I an keeping mine low key ,that when I get pissed and it grows to a ” Fuck it ‘ and put my fist through a wall or window or just bust something glass , I end up having to fix it and maybe go get sewed up.So I bottle it up ,and try not to share it with any undeserving person ,and just hide my Rage,For me its my anger times 10 and would hate to unleash it.I am soo sick of not having any fun and living in a basemount .I know I ned some sleep,this is day 3 with atotal of 4 hrs ,but,,,,,,,,,there is ice in the gutters that needs to be chisled out I try taking things 1 day at a time ,like not drinking today .,,but right now my head is soo loud and sounds like I was laying on an air mattress and somebody goes and sticks a knive in it while floating on it. And for me ,I am so ashamed of myself that I cant even say the words Mental Illnes to pepole.Doesnt that mean you are weak and want to sit in your shit? Just change the way you think ya big baby ,I tell myself. atahen aia realize ,,,I dont even like mysef.WHERE do you start on liking yourself and if you have that much controll,WHY DO i NEED MEDS/DOCTORS …..etc. SO,if I was by you right now Amanda I would give you a 5 minute or a 5 day long hug ,and maybe we would feel better. It looks like the sun must be out. Is it tme to bust out the speedo and baby oil????? Dave

    1. Dave,
      You don’t know me…but I have Bipolar I, so I get that too.
      No Mental Illness doesn’t mean you are weak and sit in your shit! If you broke your leg, you wouldn’t feel that way would you? even if you did something stupid to do it, you would feel that you should go to the doctor, do what the doctor says, do physical therapy….all that stuff. Just because that is a physical thing, well honey, mental health is still health. We need to focus on our health! All of it. Not just the body.

      Personally I don’t think anyone likes themselves all the time. I used to have a much harder time at it, and still fight that demon, but sometimes the lovely lady in white reaches out and tells me I’m worth it. I’m trying hard not to listen to the lady in black.

      I’m giving you a virtual hug…felt only by our mind power.
      I’m sending you health, healing, and peaceful thoughts. (yeah that’s the Buddhist teachings I’ve been reading….hey, it has really helped me. But I still can’t align myself with any organized religion…not yet anyway. Is there something wrong with me?)

      and BTW….I can’t do even the smallest things I want to recently. Between my psych meds having a break down, and the Meniere’s spinning the world around…plus…+++ well, I’m sick and tired of being sick and tired. I’m sure there will be better days. I know warmer weather is better for me….maybe tomorrow it will be warmer?

      remember, just focus on your health, don’t beat yourself up if it’s mental or physical….it’s health, and we all need help with that.

      wendy

  2. I get it!
    Having those days a lot.
    Sleep is the hardest. I keep falling asleep feeling like I’m on a boat and waking up sick as a dog. often just spinning.
    yep, sick of it!

    there will be better days…a few at least. Those are the days I live for.

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