Alas, I am back from my hiatus. We had some major weather patterns move through here in the past few weeks and it took everything out of me. On top of that I have been having some heart palpitations. Sheesh.
I have been reading comments and things you are sending me and I am touched that my words are so far reaching and I am doing what I intended to do with this blog. Educate and share my story.
Meniere’s Disease isn’t easy. It has almost been one year that I have been suffering with my left ear. I know I have shared how Meniere’s can mess with your mind. How it seeps from your ears to your mind and slowly takes control of how you think, feel, act, perceive. Thoughts trickle from unknown places and your mind plays tricks on you. I was recently talking with a friend about how you make yourself silly promises to get through the day. If you get up and do physical therapy for ten minutes you can have a popsicle, if you take a shower you can skip doing the dishes. Meniere’s slows you down on your slow days, but it sometimes feels like crack on days you feel good.
You race around the house trying to think of everything you haven’t gotten done. Dust the light fixtures, scrub the walls, wash the curtains, pay bills, brush your teeth for the two minutes the Dentist recommends, brush your hair, shower, get the mail, rush, rush, rush you don’t know when it’s going to hit you again. Call Grandmas, smile when Matt gets home, smile while you dust, smile while you make dinner, smile when you go to the grocery store. Rush, rush, rush. Smile, smile, smile.
You beg for those days, you plead with God, you ask favors of yourself and make promises. Then BAM it hits you and everything comes to a screeching halt.
It has been a year and I feel know that my family and friends are getting tired of the anger, the pissy days, the days when you just want to thrash around, cry, you feel like you’re falling into the rabbit hole and are gripping to the world, dirt under your nails, clenching to what isn’t spinning around you. It isn’t that they avoid you, it’s just that they hold their breath around you. Waiting for you to pop off, waiting to sit and watch helplessly as you somehow fall off the floor. I know how it feels to have Meniere’s Disease, but I do not know what it is like to be with someone like myself when it is happening. Before and the months immediately following my surgery I would beg Matt to help me. The look in his eyes is something I will never forget. He looked at me like a suffering animal. I hate myself for asking that of him, he can’t fix me. He would if he could, but we both know he can’t and I don’t know how I would handle watching him suffer like that. I am glad that those days are fewer and farther between then they were, he knows my ‘oh boy it just hit me and it’s a doozie sigh’ and just waits it out like floor waters slowly recessing.
In the last few months I have been able to read more and more. One of my favorite authors in John Sandford, who I recently was able to meet at a book signing that my parents and Matt took me too. I know that everyone in the room loved his writing, felt a connection to it, but no one knew my secret, that his writing was my escape. When I read, any book, with especially his I am able to leave where I am and can be anyone I want to be. When I met him I told him I had been sick and thanked him for being my escape. There were too many people, but I wanted him to understand that he was too, a part of my therapy.
I hope that this post finds all of you happy, healthy, and dizzy free. Please remember that even though I may not see you, or know you, you are never alone in this. No matter what you are feeling, it is OK to feel that way. I love you all.