It has been a long time. So much has happened in the last few weeks. School started. I was so hungry for it that I ran into it full force. Any energy I could muster I harvested and threw at this new program. Suddenly I had a purpose, a reason to raise my head in the morning, something to look forward to. School is my thing. My comfort zone. I am good at school. I get school.
I am still having symptoms, everyday. I shouldn’t be so fearful anymore. It’s almost been a year. I have sat in my chair and watched the seasons change before my eyes. The fear should subside. It’s a lie that things get easier with time, it just gets different. I still have moments where I kick and scream, yell at God, hate my body, hate my own skin, this morning I couldn’t find the TV remote and had a five minute temper tantrum. I cried, I stomped around, my own cats looked at me like, well, she is just having another episode. That is the look I get now, my own Meniere’s doesn’t even surprise anyone anymore. I don’t know if that is good or bad.
I have good moments too. I rarely get mushy about Matt publicly, it just isn’t us. But he has been home for the last week and will be home full time until the end of this week and we have just been being… us. Trying to laugh, trying to act like this mini vacation can make up for the summer that was supposed to be ours. I realize I fall in love with him more everyday and it isn’t just the nice things he does that make me see it, it is the things about him that drive me absolutely crazy. The things we bicker about. That is the substance of a relationship, maintaining a balance of both loving and being annoyed with the person you love the most. Wanting to hug and punch him at the same time is what I love most about him. I know, without certainly that he would move a mountain if it meant he could fix me.
I started seeing a psychologist, we will call him Walter. The experience is truly… eye opening. I thought that doing this was intense, telling complete strangers about my feelings, emotions, thoughts, introducing you to my demon, to my warrior. But imagine walking into a room with someone who you have never met and slowly take your shoes off, then your socks, then your pants, your shirt, and anything you have under there. You are stark naked, standing in front of a stranger. Thankfully that isn’t literally what I am doing, but it damn sure feels like it. That may be easier then telling someone your deepest thoughts. I am a student of psychology and I sort of thought I knew how things would go, and while I went into it with no expectations, I was really surprised at what things came out of my mouth.
Walter is trying to teach me to relax. I think teaching a pig to fly would be an easier task to accomplish. I have always struggled to truly relax. While it is getting easier with practice, I still feel my body resisting. I have no fight or flight, I am always fighting, always on high alert. I have to be ready, to pounce, to jump, to move, to run. It’s difficult to quiet my warrior. I am being hunted, I am the prey and relaxing is asking me to stop running, to let the hunter devour me. He asks me to sit with my fear, my anger, let take me, and work with it, not against it. During the third session we were working on relaxation. Breathe. Energy. Remove. Foot, ankle, lower leg, thigh, pelvis, chest, back, spine, scalp, face. It was the first time he referred to my Meniere’s as an ‘entity’. My monster. I couldn’t breathe. He spoke directly to it. I could feel it trying to bubble to the surface. Shaking. Knees weak. Warrior. Fight. As I came out of the relaxation something was different. Defeat? Did the warrior win? I guess I wouldn’t go that far, but I understand the power of relaxing. Easy. No. Possible. Yes. Must remain patient.
I am still in Physical Therapy. I am getting a little stronger, able to do a little more. At times. Meniere’s is so fluid. It’s unlike pain in so many ways. Pain is constant. You can expect it. The unexpected is what scares me the most. With every step you take without symptoms, you hesitate to take the next. My physical therapist gets that. She has got to have wings under her blue polo because she really is an angel.
I see my surgeon again in March. I am telling myself to expect nothing, to work on today. Focus on today Amanda. As my physical symptoms get better, my mental symptoms get worse. What a sick little trick the universe plays on us. I told Walter I hated when people say ‘God never gives you more than you can handle’ and I do, because this takes whatever someone is going through, wrapping it up and putting a pretty ribbon on it. Saying this to me is not comforting, to many it probably is. To me, it is filler. People are uncomfortable saying, yes, what you are going through just sucks. No buts, no inspirational quotes, just it sucks. Walter just says it sucks and that chances are good that right now it won’t change, but I can learn to manage it. I like that. I like Walter and I am glad I have found him.
I am sorry it has been so long. I will try to be better and keeping you updated. I want to say thank you again for whoever is reading this, whoever tunes in for my rants and updates. I will leave you with my new mantra:
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.