Fighter

Recovery continues to be a long process. No two days are the same and it keeps being difficult to see the improvements for me as I am stuck in my head all the time. I have a difficult time biting my tongue because everyone wants me to be better, but they don’t understand the fear that is ever present in my life. Fear has wound itself around my DNA, it is impossible to hide from. The fear is so intense at times it takes control of my body completely. It is almost as if I have been running on fear for the last couple months and no longer know how to function without the fear. Fear kept me going to my surgery, surgery came and only made the fear worse… I am still running on it and I guess I do not know what to run on without the fear. How are you supposed to reprogram your brain to not be afraid of something you know is always lurking just below the surface? My little monster that creeps and crawls right below my skin, how do you stop being afraid of that? How do I convince the warrior in me to get up and keep fighting, when all along I thought I wouldn’t have to fight anymore?

Life is so unfair. Meniere’s Disease is so unfair. I am trying to rise above it and keep fighting, but how can I fight against something that will never go away… how can I justify fighting if the battle will never be won? Is deafness winning? Being deaf means no more dizziness, that is like saying 2+2=6? I hope this doesn’t become an option I have to contemplate, I want to be better, I want to get up out of this chair, I want to ride my bike, run, laugh honestly, freely.

I have promised I won’t stop fighting and I won’t, I just hope that those around me don’t forget how hard fighting is.

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