I am broken. I do not know if I can be fixed. Remaining positive becomes more and more difficult as the days pass and the attacks get more and more intense.
This last week has been a bad one. There have been several times where I have wanted to seek refuge at the hospital so the world will stop spinning. Even when the world does stop spinning and the attack passes, I am left shaking, terrified, mentally and physically exhausted. The strangest things pop into my head in these moments. I have read about how difficult pregnancy is with Meniere’s Disease, how am I going to raise a child? How I am going to work? How am I going to put my pants on in the morning?
I am so alone. I do not mean alone physically, or emotionally – it is a kind of alone that only victims of this disease can feel. I am forced to be dependent, I am forced to be a jigsaw puzzle with a piece always missing, I am forced to be angry, desperate, clinging to the sliver of hope I have left. How do you deal with that? My warrior isn’t winning the race against this disease, instead the scared little girl is right below the surface. My little monster rears it’s head and I am constantly consumed with doubt and fear. I feel like giving up, letting the Meniere’s take me, swallow me whole.
My thoughts are scattered and discombobulated. Our cat knocked something off of our fridge this morning and it broke into half a dozen pieces, I tried to glue it back together and it no longer fit together correctly. I stood in the kitchen sobbing because I felt like it was a metaphor for me. Broken into several pieces, and no matter what adhesive was used I would never be the same. Matt, my dad, my mom desperately want to fix it, but even if we get the piece to fit together there will always be cracks, fissures, visible to anyone who looks at it. It will never be the same, I will never be the same.
I think that eventually that will be ok with me. I will adjust to whatever ‘normal’ will mean for me. It won’t be easy, there will continue to be bumps in the road. I will pick up the pieces, put them back together, try to admire the cracks and fissures. I will put the puzzle back together and never stop searching for the missing pieces. No one should ever stop searching for the missing pieces.