I wear my scars like the rings on a pimp
I live life like the captain of a sinking ship
The one thing that i can guarantee
I’m like a stepping razor, i suggest you stay fair with me
Been payin dues for a decade plus,
Before that i was just another face on the bus
Tappin my foot, to the beat on the radio
Dreamin ’bout the mic and the money and the ladies
Oh mom, i promise im gonna be large
Someday im gonna stop tryin to borrow your car
Gonna go far, with charisma and skill
Until they put my face on a million dollar bill
Atmosphere, its just a ten letter word
Discretion is the name of my cement-feathered bird
And if you didnt hear, fuck whatevers heard
I think you got the sickness i suggest you get it cured
Caught up in the mix, of a bottle full of fix
Im gonna hobble down the street ’til i reach knob creek
Its not that i dont like you, i just dont wanna speak
You fuckin freak
Now keep your days out my week
The world keeps a balance, through mathematics
Defined by whatever youve added and subtracted
Im pushin on the hammer, to trigger the brain
Embrace how i live it, god loves ugly
God loves ugly…Once upon a time in minneapolis, yo
I damn near had to steal the show
I stepped on the stage, who is it?
My names slug ive come to kill a couple minutes
Whats up with the way, that everybody gathers around each other
So they can steal each others sound
If its all about gettin down with the get down
How long i gotta wait for these fools to sit down?
Appears more clear in its simplest form
Nobody sees tears when youre standing in a storm
Abandoning the norm, and handling the harvest
Measuring the worth by the depth of the hardships
I welcome all the hatred you can aim at my name
I held on to the sacred ways of how to play the game
When the soldiers started runnin short on rations
I began tappin the egg, to spark the hatchin
Make it happen
And take this captain to the gallows
I keep steerin us into an area thats shallow
Talkin to my shadow, he advised me not to worry
He said i should plant my tree and let it rise out of the fury
So give me some light, a little love and some liquid
Im gonna creep through the night
And put a plug in the spigot
And when the water grows
And the dam starts to overflow
Ill float atop the flood, holding on to my ugly Why scream, when you can lose yourself inside the wide-screen
Let life be a bowl of melted ice cream
Or be the deer thats caught in my high beams
Im rollin with the lights on, scared stiff
Reality is just too much to bear with
Paranoid, walkin around careless
No wonder youre in love with your therapist
Go to sleep my little time bomb
Recovery continues to be a long process. No two days are the same and it keeps being difficult to see the improvements for me as I am stuck in my head all the time. I have a difficult time biting my tongue because everyone wants me to be better, but they don’t understand the fear that is ever present in my life. Fear has wound itself around my DNA, it is impossible to hide from. The fear is so intense at times it takes control of my body completely. It is almost as if I have been running on fear for the last couple months and no longer know how to function without the fear. Fear kept me going to my surgery, surgery came and only made the fear worse… I am still running on it and I guess I do not know what to run on without the fear. How are you supposed to reprogram your brain to not be afraid of something you know is always lurking just below the surface? My little monster that creeps and crawls right below my skin, how do you stop being afraid of that? How do I convince the warrior in me to get up and keep fighting, when all along I thought I wouldn’t have to fight anymore?
Life is so unfair. Meniere’s Disease is so unfair. I am trying to rise above it and keep fighting, but how can I fight against something that will never go away… how can I justify fighting if the battle will never be won? Is deafness winning? Being deaf means no more dizziness, that is like saying 2+2=6? I hope this doesn’t become an option I have to contemplate, I want to be better, I want to get up out of this chair, I want to ride my bike, run, laugh honestly, freely.
I have promised I won’t stop fighting and I won’t, I just hope that those around me don’t forget how hard fighting is.
Meniere’s Disease and Pregnancy
These are some postings about Meniere’s Disease and pregnancy. I find them… disheartening, but informative. Please post any experiences you may have had.
I am broken. I do not know if I can be fixed. Remaining positive becomes more and more difficult as the days pass and the attacks get more and more intense.
This last week has been a bad one. There have been several times where I have wanted to seek refuge at the hospital so the world will stop spinning. Even when the world does stop spinning and the attack passes, I am left shaking, terrified, mentally and physically exhausted. The strangest things pop into my head in these moments. I have read about how difficult pregnancy is with Meniere’s Disease, how am I going to raise a child? How I am going to work? How am I going to put my pants on in the morning?
I am so alone. I do not mean alone physically, or emotionally – it is a kind of alone that only victims of this disease can feel. I am forced to be dependent, I am forced to be a jigsaw puzzle with a piece always missing, I am forced to be angry, desperate, clinging to the sliver of hope I have left. How do you deal with that? My warrior isn’t winning the race against this disease, instead the scared little girl is right below the surface. My little monster rears it’s head and I am constantly consumed with doubt and fear. I feel like giving up, letting the Meniere’s take me, swallow me whole.
My thoughts are scattered and discombobulated. Our cat knocked something off of our fridge this morning and it broke into half a dozen pieces, I tried to glue it back together and it no longer fit together correctly. I stood in the kitchen sobbing because I felt like it was a metaphor for me. Broken into several pieces, and no matter what adhesive was used I would never be the same. Matt, my dad, my mom desperately want to fix it, but even if we get the piece to fit together there will always be cracks, fissures, visible to anyone who looks at it. It will never be the same, I will never be the same.
I think that eventually that will be ok with me. I will adjust to whatever ‘normal’ will mean for me. It won’t be easy, there will continue to be bumps in the road. I will pick up the pieces, put them back together, try to admire the cracks and fissures. I will put the puzzle back together and never stop searching for the missing pieces. No one should ever stop searching for the missing pieces.
The worst part about recovery is that there is always an ebb and a flow. Since coming home from the hospital I have had days where I feel like everything that happened during my hospital stay and the days that follow were a bad nightmare. Then the universe seems to play a trick on me and the next day I am feeling terrible again. It is unfair, heartbreaking really. I get angry when I can go from feeling so good to so horrible in a matter of hours. I try to tell myself the moment will pass and I will be able to catch my breathe and relax, but feel like it will never come. When it finally does come I am filled with complete fear that the dizziness will come creeping back. It’s a sick little cycle. Being a prisoner in my own body, having no control over what is going to happen makes me angry, makes me want to peel off my skin like a swimsuit. I never feel more alone than in these moments.