The most difficult thing I believe a Meniere’s patient must go through is the loss of control of their life. Many of my close friends would probably say that I am a control freak. They are certainly correct. I justify this by feeling like a majority of my life is out of control. The only thing I can control in my life is my relationships, and if I lose that control I push people away because it is one less thing I have the ability to control. This may be the answer to the demise of some of my relationships, certainly since my diagnosis and firm understanding of my world. I am unable to get up and drive to the mall alone. I am dependent on the people in my life. My relationships are my lifeline. When someone lives with little independence, all they have to control is the external factors that influence their lives i.e. relationships. Losing control of one’s body is the most frightening feeling in the world. I fear going sleep, I fear waking up, I fear getting up to go the bathroom, I fear going to the grocery store because I never know when the little monster (how I refer to my Meniere’s in my head) is going to pop up. I have to work close to home because driving long distances, especially alone is difficult. I have little control of what I do, where I go.
Loss of control leads to a burning anger. I want to get in the car and go to the mall by myself, I want to jump on a plane and visit my best friend in Denver, CO where she recently moved, and I want to be able to go biking, swimming, hiking, and traveling with my boyfriend Matt. Few of those things I would feel confident doing even on a ‘good’ day.
The last month has been the most difficult for me with my Meniere’s. The anger and sadness I feel is almost unbearable at times.
If you are reading this and feel that anger or that sadness please know that you are not alone. This is a safe place to vent your anger, your sadness. Leave a comment and if you want me to keep it private (not shown publicly) please mention that and I will not approve it for the website.